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Audiobookcafe.com: Dr. Gypsee Gunn, de-motivational expert and shepherd of the apathetic, welcome to theCafé. First, we must applaud your business acumen in ministering to an often neglected niche market. Obviouslythere are more losers than winners and yet the tendency has been to concentrate on the winners. People have been longing to hear someone tell them that it is okay to embrace failure. How large a segment of the population do you think is ripe for your message? Why? And how much will they pay?
Dr. Gypsee Gunn: I would just like to say this is the first interview I've done in ten years. Rolling Stone, Maxim, GQ, Billboard, and many, many others have asked me to talk to them, but I have waited for the perfect situation. As I had a free day I thought I would humor you. But as for your notion of more losers than winners, I couldn't disagree with you anymore than a pork roast disagrees with a Rabbi. There are far more winners than losers, and in turn I actually preach to the lost souls who try to acquire health, wealth, and happiness. How many people do you see on the streets begging for nickels and dimes? How many people do you see drinking, and talking to imaginary friends? How many people do you see that are societies notion of "outcasts"? There are not asmany as you might think. Having some followers that already are "losers", at least society's notion of losers, just helps to strengthen the powerful-negative-neuro-stimuli during my lectures. And they are paid handsomely for their efforts, by the Government, in the form of green stamps and welfare checks. The population as a hole is the segment I wish to reach. For if one tells others the message carries like a kindergarten child with lice to the rest of the school. Is there anything more calming than ignorant bliss? Not to me. You ask of payment? In what regard? In what form? Usually I am paid by a promoter, a kind and honest beast, to perform my lectures in concert halls, auditoriums, Rome's Colosseum, and bingo parlors. But, with my tax free exemption from most third world countries, the money goes back into the business so that I may forge ahead and deliver my message to the Beleaguered Masses.
Audiobookcafe.com: Excellent. You'll need the money because as you know, while the Café treats it's contributors with the greatest courtesy and respect, the pay is lousy. Would you be so kind to share with us the seven secretlayers of personal downgrading?
Dr. Gunn: Yes, of course, my dear man, yes. Gentle readers, please be forewarned it might be too dangerous for some of you. The SSLPD must be dealt with individually, so once you are ready, a complete collapse of your body, mind and spirit can take place, at the same time, like an old abandoned warehouse. Layer Number One: The Flesh The flesh is easily tainted by outside sources. One should come in contact with these external influences, such as acid rain, smog, gasoline fires or fumes, oil slicks, road tar, and smoke stacks, as much as possible. This will allow you to breath heavily and have skin eruptions.
Layer Number Two: Blood As we all know blood is very important to our survival. It can also help expedite our extinction. Blood carries oxygen to the entire body and, as we all know, when we breath we take in oxygen. So, as with the flesh, one should be near, in, or on, places that will cause harm. But I think the word blood should be used in others ways, as well. Blood baths, bad blood, blood on ones hands, cold blood, or blood guilt.
Layer Number Three: The Body Clock As we all know every person has an internal body clock which is a mechanism by which circadian rhythms are automatically established, maintained, or are readjusted. Well, we have a can of worms here, don't we. Although that might have more to do with a dead body clock, but I digress. Your body clock should be adjusted so that you're totally off kilter. One should wear two different size shoes, both should be too small, and both should be of different heal heights. Inner ear infections can be effective, as well as glasses with two different prescriptions, one for each eye, and of course removing a number of vertebrae.
Layer Number Four: Chemistry Your body is a conglomerate of many chemicals that work together so that you may lead a normal and stale life. You must corrupt these chemicals so that they work against each other inside your body. Your blood should work against the oxygen it carries. Anti-bodies should work with the diseases you come in contact with. More pimples, festering sores, decaying teeth, foot fungus, flagrant flatulance, facial pain, fainting, fatigue, fevers, fluid irritations, flushed face, should, and will happen, when you master your bodies rechemicalization.
Layer Number Five: The Aura In this fifth layer, the aura is the atmosphere or quality that seems to arise from and surround a person or thing. Or, in simpler terms, it's like the stench from a pig, or the smell coming from a $2-dollar per week rooming house, at least that's what it shall become. The aura also lets one know, or others know, how one is feeling. Through out my travels, unfortunately, I have come in contact with some capitalistic longhairs, who preach the positive, the fruitful, the glowing, etc. Under surveillance, as I was, I learned how to create a pitch black aura by doing one simple thing. Taking the positive, whatever it might be, and turning it into a negative. Then taking what is negative and doubling the negativity factor to the fifth power. But in time you will be able to increase the negativity factor by more. Remember, something like this cannot be rushed, or it might backfire, and you will do the opposite and unfortunately turn lemons into lemonade. Remember, every action should have an equal and even more negative reaction, which flows into the sixth level.
Layer Number Six: Negative Action To Your Negative Reactions What I mean by this is, let's say, you say something to a drunken angry biker. Something like "Your Harley looks like a little girls tricycle," or you just push the motorcycle over and it creates a domino effect with all the other bikes beside it. Well, your negative action will create a negative reaction that will wind you up in the hospital for a number of months with internal bleeding and numerous broken bones. But if this is done wrong, you might, in turn, turn into a hero showing the you have courage, not stupidity. But, if you have been listening to me, it would be unlikely to happen. If it does, try to pick up one of their woman, and the desired result will happen.
Layer Number Seven: Language Language is very important in today's society. So, in turn, I think that some words should have more prefixes. These include "anti", as in anti-positive; "con" as in con-decorous; "de" as in un-good, and so forth and so on. I would like to us this method in a word. Antidisunestablishconmentariandeism. The newest longest word in the simpleton English language. But language will soon cease. Communication around the would will be but one style. One of beeps. Stand in front of an ATM machine, learn this language. Call government, banks, phone companies, and keep pressing buttons leading to nowhere. It will be like Morse code in your everyday life. And with practice you will be able to verbalize these sounds with the exact annoying frequency. Using the Seven Layers of Personal Downgrading, you will know your body, mind and spirit, intimately, and if you know your enemy well it is easier to take down and leave a crumpled broken mess. I hope that answers your question.
Audiobookcafe.com: Uh . . . yeah . . . right. Moving on, if we may, into a more metaphysical sphere; we've all met people who love to revel in their misery. For them every silver cloud has a black lining. For those who hit bottom, is there a bottom beneath the bottom?
Dr. Gunn: Let me answer that with a question. What is negative infinity minus one? Hummm? Audiobookcafe.com: Hmmm? I'm a little confused here. Are you saying that a glass that is half empty won't fill you up as much as a glass that is half full? And if that is what you are indeed saying, what are some of the otherjoys of pessimism?
Dr. Gunn: Pessimism? My acquaintance, have you learned nothing listening to my lecture, published by Scenario Productions at the reasonable price of $14.99? There is no pessimism. Your whole body, soul, and mind will collapse in to a total state of de-motivation. It's like ice cream melting on a hot day. It doesn't deliquesce in chunks, or sections, it does it at the same rate, over time. Learning from me is no different than losing money at the track, which I encourage. It is done over time so that one can learn from each and every negative experience.
Audiobookcafe.com: But we don't learn, do we. Which brings us to bad sex and inappropriate partners. There must be some depravity and downward enlightenment to be garnered in this arena. Nothing like love to bring out what is most unattractive in us. Any advice?
Dr. Gunn: Maybe you have been listening. I believe in bad sex, and inappropriate partners, as I state in mylecture `Peace, Love and Marriage, Relationships, Money, Health and Friendship, Education and the rest of that Crap'. Love? Love is to relish . . . hold the onions. Peace is a non-existent stale silence. Marriage? An institution. Remember, marriage is grand and the divorce will cost you at least fifty more. Peace and love? What the hell is that crap? More war and more hate. Your cloud is lined with asbestos. When you fight, and you will, lead with your chin. You'll find that people will beat you with your own fists. Go ahead and knock yourself out. More cigarettes, more booze, more pills, more dirt, more scum, more U.V. rays, more white bread, more depressants, more rage, more random violence, more horror, more serial killings, more stalking, more people out of control, more bestiality, and more burning cars. I hope that answered your question.
Audiobookcafe.com: And to think you skipped GQ for us . . . which leads me to fashion. You didn't really get into fashion but when one's aura is sufficiently tainted toward the darker end of the spectrum, what to wear?
Dr. Gunn: For men, black thong bikinis; and for women, tight bicycle shorts with a sports bra one size too big orone size too small. All the time. Especially if you are well over your society-imposed desired weight.
Audiobookcafe.com: I think I'll skip my question about mullets and cut to the checkout line. When and where can he slovenly, unwashed, unmotivated masses purchase your latest opus?
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